I’m also glad you liked it, Amy!
I’m flattered it’s one of your favourite blog entries =)
Undoubtedly, “mind over matter” is really important.
Warm regards,
Iqbal

Hello Revanche, I’m glad you enjoyed =)

Yes! My therapy was quite painful at times and I wasn’t seeing results immediately. I was doing what I thought was right. Yet only months after starting the therapy and months after finishing it, was when I recognized how it changed me for better.

I didn’t share this in the emails or comments here, but I had actually done therapy with three different therapists in three different stages.
The first one was in 2012, when I was in my 3rd year of university and felt things were getting harder. I never discussed personal issues because it was the university’s psychotherapy section, so the focus was school productivity.
I don’t count that as the full experience.

The “full” experience for me started in February 2015 and lasted about one year.
Her therapy method was psychoanalytic and it helped a lot, but at some point I stopped trusting her and closed myself. It was related to how the payment method changed.
She helped me a lot and till today I’m very thankful for what I learned about myself there. However, once you stop trusting the therapist, the sessions become counterproductive.

It was a hard decision to quit and start the process with another therapist in another clinic, but I did. This time the method was bahaviour-cognitive and since I had already been doing therapy for a year, I was brutally honest with this new therapist.
The payment method was not an issue and I made sure that was clear from the start to avoid any future distrust.
During the sessions, I would honestly say everything that was bothering me, including about him.
He was a great therapist so that honesty made the process better. Tense, hard, but better. It went throughout one year as well.

I also read a lot of the articles from the Facebook page of Therapist Ryan Howes, Ph.D.
He has great content. And simple too, like “when do you stop therapy” or “what should I do before entering the session” or “should I tell I don’t like something about my therapist?”

So, in conclusion:
– Clear out how the payment happens and what are the ground rules.
– It’s very important to be honest in therapy.
– And if you don’t trust the therapist, just switch.

And yes, I completely agree with you in the last part. Being tolerated is always better than facing intolerance. However, it’s not enough. Love and support is much more =)
Great insight!

Kind regards,
Iqbal

“I had tied up some of my self-worth in what my kid did” – I think you summed up pretty well what I suspect about my own mother. I think she was always seen as “the mother with perfect children” because my older siblings “did everything right”: were good students in school, got a university degree without ever failing, got good jobs after university, married in their early 20’s, etc.

I believe she was expecting the same from me and it frustrated her that I was not accomplishing that. Being gay made matters worse.
Having to deal with such a “cut” of expectations perhaps made her, as you said, “disconnect my value from his accomplishments and decisions”.

And indeed the outcome now is the same: “we were both happier”. We talk with much more easiness now, and openly too. We laugh a lot together, something I didn’t see happening 4 years ago. It was very tense.

Going back to how a supportive family was important: around this time (April/May) in 2016, my oldest sibling saw how me and my mom weren’t getting along at all and “forced” us to have an honest conversation. She locked us in the kitchen, one night after she saw us argue, and told each of us to tell the other everything that was being held back.

Then, my sibling proceeded to “translate” what the other side was saying, like “Mom, what I am hearing from Iqbal is XYZ. And that makes sense” then “Iqbal, what I am hearing from mom is XYZ. And that too makes sense”. If she hadn’t “translated” what each of us meant, we would have just said mean things, the other side wouldn’t understand, and, it would have just added more resentment.

It was like therapy, and boy that helped! Both sides were getting validation. It could have gone so wrong, so I admire the effort my sibling had.

Thanks a lot for sharing these thoughts, Libby.
I’m glad to know your son got a skill and can support himself!
It was a great comparison and I relate to it very well.

I’ll definitely keep you all updated regarding how things go.
I hope everything turns out OK for you too =)
With love,
Iqbal

:)

Awesome story!

Glad you liked it!!! :)

As someone who has also made the investment in mental health both through traditional methods and a 12 step program, I can say it is worth all the gold in the world! The analogy is peeling back the onion and each layer reveals something new about myself.

One thought about your mother – when my son told me he didn’t want to go to college, I choked – what the hell? We live in a town where 97% of the high school students go to college. Everyone in my family had gone to college. After taking time to process it, I realized that it was my ego but it is his life – that I had tied up some of my self-worth in what my kid did. Once I was able to disconnect my value from his accomplishments and decisions we were both happier. I did tell him he didn’t have to go to college but he did need to learn a skill so that he could support himself and perhaps a family down the road :) He went to trade school and is a welder.

I hope you will share with everyone again at the end of this year and let us know how everything plays out for you with the pandemic.

Hugs, Libby

Let me know if you ever need an extra ear, Revanche! Got mad love and respect for you over here! :)