That is just horrible to hear – I am so sorry :( I have no experience/ideas for you in this realm I’m afraid, but please do keep on searching!! I feel like there has to be a process or something you can start to get it figured out? You can’t be the only one in this position?

@ drj_cpa: Pre-nuptual agreements get a horrible reputation due to romantic films and all of the popular and highly inaccurate misconceptions. Thank you for highlighting some of the benefits and concerns of pre-nup abuse. I agree regardless if a couple uses pre-nups the key is early communication on financial expectations, values, debts and full financial disclosure is essential to helping promote a honest and trusting relationship. It is never too earlier to talk openly about your hopes, dreams, fears and expectations in a relationship.

I find many people would benefit once they get their pre-nup facts straight! There are so many misconceptions involving pre-nups and here are some of the most common:
1) They forced me! He/She “forces” another to sign a day before or on the day of the wedding. Not true. At best your partner can ask you to sign but, if you two separate, in the eyes of the Court, the pre-nup was not validly signed.
2) I don’t know what I signed! Each partner is required to have their own attorney to represent them and protect their best interests. The attorneys must come to an agreement on all of the conditions within the pre-nup. Their job is to do this as they craft the pre-nup, before you sign it. So, if you don’t have an attorney when you signed, the Courts often times will invalidate the pre-nup.
3) They do not “trust me”! They don’t love me! They are hiding things from me! Or they are assuming we will divorce! These are such popular fear-based misconceptions highlighting why so many remain ignorant of one of the most important pre-nup requirements. If you don’t love the other person why would you even consider revealing ALL of your assets and liabilities? It would be infinitely easier to shelter your assets using alternative methods involving legal trusts. But by going the pre-nup route, understand this – each partner must FULLY DISCLOSE all of their assets, dependents and liabilities. If you have a pre-nup you cannot hide or fail to disclose your assets. If you do so, deliberately or accidentally and you separate, guess what, you just invalidated your own pre-nup and the other partner can and will fleece you. Courts do not look kindly on hiding assets when crafting pre-nups.

These are just a tip of the iceberg; read more from estate planning attorneys and when you get your own legal counsel, understand it is in your own best interests to full understand what a pre-nup actually does and does not do. There is no one size fits all, but in order to understand the true nature of a pre-nup, you need to look at it clearly and not through eyes clouded by fears and misunderstandings. Good luck!

Thanks for sharing. Can’t blame someone for not wanting to be buried by someone else’s debts. If your future partner has $100,000+ in debts (common if you get an MBA or JD) prior to marriage, would you want it? Not likely regardless if the debt is student loans or from credit cards.

We all want marriage to last forever but the reality is more than 40% end in separation. Sometimes an ounce of prevention is worth twice its value in the cure.

Wholeheartedly agree with you Whitney! What you describe when one person helps another with their debt is what I consider the same as giving a man a fish or teaching him “how” to fish. It is a noble intention to help a partner pay down their debts, but what have they ultimately learned about “how and why” they even acquired the debt to begin with? I feel there is zero introspection to “open their eyes”. And isn’t introspection one of the key actions needed to change habits?

I feel “balance” is the key in all areas of a persons life. Doing so helps prevent us getting lost in a relationship and even losing your sense of self.

Lastly, I agree so long as a couple ends up sharing their expenses (not necessarily previous debts) they are sharing the burden. You will end up helping each other so it is as if what is mine is kept 100% separate, correct?

Wow Leigh you story is shocking, thank you for taking the time to share it with us. I agree, there are some people who are gold diggers and it goes for both genders regardless of ethnicity and age. What would you have done differently to protect yourself prior to the marriage?

If you could do things over would you have a trust, pre-nup or something else? Thanks for sharing.

Great story and ideas Mad Fientist! Keeping SEPARATE accounts certainly has prudent and practical reasons! Glad you shared your story and highlighted some very important reasons why it is great to keep finances separate. People do have different financial goals and values it is important to respect how you can keep your finances separated, as long as your actions still align with your combined goals (home, children, retirement, etc).

On a sidenote, I find keeping finances separate is not always because the other person does not trust or love them. The same holds true for pre-nups. Learn the REAL facts from attorneys not chick flicks and TMZ. That’s your fear talking ladies.

I think you bring up an EXCELLENT point – it’s def. better to learn from mistakes and/or learn how to manage your money for sure. Though luckily that can still be done when couples help each other out too… Funny about your will :)

That makes me happy :)